Disrupting... Like a Lady

It's not lost on me that we are a critical point in our society, economy, and country in terms of women's rights and gender advancement in the workplace. COVID-19 has been dubbed the "She-cession" because of the disproportionate, negative impacts it has had on women in the workforce specifically. In fact, according to Stats Canada, women between the ages of 25 and 54 lost more than twice as many jobs as men in Ontario, with the highest percentage of those experiencing more significant financial consequences being BIPOC women. The pandemic is just one of the many examples we can look at to remind ourselves that the fight for gender equality and equity, while we have come a long way, is far from over. 

There is a lot of talk about being a "post-feminist" society. Still, the reality is, when we start believing we no longer need feminism, the more we begin to ignore the glaringly obvious reminders that we need it more than ever. I could write a year's worth of articles on that alone, but for now, I'd like to focus my efforts on gender stereotypes. It's gender stereotypes, or the norms of how women should act, that, in fact, reinforce and produce the realities that affect women. For example, we still expect women to do the majority of the housework and childcare because we associate them with that 1950's "housewife" role. How does this play out today? Ding ding ding! The pandemic. COVID-19 resulted in the closure of child care facilities and schools, meaning parents were now juggling working from home and childcare. Again, according to Stats Canada, employment among women with toddlers and/or school-aged children fell 7% (compared to 4% among men in similar scenarios), and unemployment has remained exceptionally high for women with children. 

This reality reemphasizes the importance of disrupting gender stereotypes for me. It reminds me that rebelling against discriminatory and oppressive narratives is imperative. We must smash norms around what women should be or how women should act. 

Or… would that be unladylike of me? 

Introducing: Disrupting like a lady. A modern woman's guide to acting ladylike, as written by a woman fed up by being told who and what I should be. (And in case you've missed the satire, what I'm about to do is anything but ladylike. Get ready, Ladies Home Journal, this is a whole other type of finishing school). 

It's totally ok if you identify as a lady. That's the beauty of feminism, the ability for each woman and person to identify as they please. The meanings, norms, and lived realities of being labeled a woman in society is that we face expectations external to us about what being ladylike means. When I think back on my career, I see how different people around me have placed expectations on my actions and behaviour. They expected me to act conservative, to cross my ankles, so to speak, and speak in a tone and manner that is soft and bubbly. They expected me not to be aggressive or bossy because that's not how a woman should act. And I wasn't bossy; I was assertive. I was a leader. Even the language we use wraps us up in a tiny, ladylike package.  

Being a woman, forced into the category of "lady," is very much tied to the phrase "women should." 

Women should be nice and polite.

Women should keep their finances to themselves. 

Women should take care of the home.

Women should be happy with the salary they have. 

Women should… [insert any insulting and sexist suggestion you want here]

Historically and in our modern times, there are literal guides that tell us how we should act. In May of 1955, Housekeeping Monthly ran the article "The Good Wife's Guide," which outlined all the things a woman should do to be a good mother and husband. Barf. In 2015, Town and Country Magazine published an article entitled "How To Be a Modern Lady," which outlined how we as women today can still embody all the "shoulds" and "should nots" of patriarchal society. They state, "in the age of texting and social media, it's easy for manners to fall by the wayside." I mean, I totally blame social media for the rising wave of empowered women who are over bullshit how-to lists. Maybe that's just me?

 In this 2015 article, one particular point that stopped me in my tracks was point number 4, "Beware of being braggy." This sentiment is why so many women are afraid to share their accomplishments. It is why we throw our friends baby showers and wedding showers with great enthusiasm but fail to recognize a promotion, new business, or new home (that she bought on her own). It's because we're told not to be braggy. "There is nothing as refined and attractive as humility" (Town and Country Mag). Here's where I'm insisting we disrupt the narrative. BRAG AWAY, WOMEN. Celebrate your wins. Talk about your raise. Tell us about that car you bought. I want to hear it, and I want to celebrate it with you. Why is it normal for men to discuss these things but taboo for women?

I think about the definition of ladylike back when it was my grandmother's era. My paternal grandmother went to finishing school, and, for those unfamiliar, it's the school of how to be a lady—a whole school for it. I'd be a dropout for sure. She learned about how to cook, how to honour your husband, how to throw dinner parties for him and his coworkers, how to keep a good house, how to sew curtains, how to mend pants, etc. I mean, all of these activities are what women should be doing back in 1940, but we're not immune to them today. We have the same expectations placed on us; we label it something different. We now have an opportunity to think beyond and expand beyond what my grandmother learned. To disrupt, if you will. 

My grandmother taught me about disruption, though. She was Toronto raised, a real city girl (lady), and arrived in the middle of nowhere on a train to move to Deep River in 1946. She was literally coming into the forest, or as they referred to it, "the bush," from Toronto. I remember her as a woman when I was a young girl. I remember watching her and observing how she acted in her home and how she presented it. All you could see was the finishing school; the way she decorated her house, the way she dressed with her silver bangles, the way she did her nails and polish with a new colour every day, and basically, the way she lived the life that she was groomed to deliver. But on the flip side, as that same little girl, I would watch her out at the maple sugar bush roasting wieners on the fire in the middle of nowhere, wearing her red and black lumberjack coat, and her big rubber boots, with her beautiful Chanel suit in bangles and manicured hands. I thought, fuck yes, this is disrupting like a lady. She quite literally was doing the ladylike thing but abandoning it at the same time to live her life the way she wanted. 

When I think of disrupting, I also think about my mom. She is a staunch feminist and has been this way for her entire life and mine. When she was in grade 9, the high school she attended had a rule that the women were not permitted to wear anything but a dress or a skirt. My mom was not ok with this. She rallied all the grade nines together and had them show up one day with jeans on. Women in pants were disrupting. She thought, well, they can't throw us all out, and her actions and convictions were a disruption of the system, one that is still necessary today. We tell young women in schools that they should cover-up. They can't wear spaghetti straps, and they can't wear skirts that are too short. We censor and control them because we feel it could be too distracting for male students. Newsflash, women, at any age, are not responsible for men's attraction to them. Perhaps if we disrupted this idea, schools would teach young men more about consent and power, and moving into adulthood, rape culture might be less prevalent. 

So it's in disrupting gendered norms and policies and in questioning and challenging patriarchal systems that we redefine our roles as women—the new rebel ladies of society. We are taking the concept of being ladylike and rewriting a narrative to be anything but its original intent. 

It's now ladylike to speak our minds. 

It's now ladylike to ask for what we want. 

It's now ladylike to be seen. 

It's now ladylike to swear. Fuck yeah, it is. 

I often work with ambitious women and women in leadership positions. This work has led me to understand two things. We have a lot of work to do to break down the stereotypes and understandings of who gets to lead in our society. And two, that we don't have to "be like men" to do it. We don't have to embody the stereotypical male leadership traits and dominance to excel in our roles as leaders. In fact, that's another misconception of feminism, that women want to be like and take control and power away from men. No. We're looking for equity and equal value in terms of what we can and do bring to the table, in whatever form that is. No domestic, dinner-serving pun intended.

My leadership form is both loud and quiet, collaborative, and strategic. I use my voice, and I use my heart. I am empathetic, intelligent, and I use all of these pieces to influence strategic change and encourage my clients to do the same. I look at problem-solving from all angles, but especially at the roots, which t I am doing here in this article. I am looking at the roots of gender stereotypes. I acknowledge the systems that keep inequalities and oppression in place and say we need to attack them on all levels. Disrupting like a lady is an example of a micro-revolt. My small disruptions can eventually lead to significant norm changes. I also want to acknowledge that when I look at the ideas and examples I've given here of what it means to be "ladylike," these are very much rooted in white supremacy. Gender oppression and discrimination are far worse if you experience oppression in a multitude of ways (ex. If you're a woman of colour, if you have a disability, if you are part of the LGBTQ+ community, if you are not thin). Therefore, it is a necessary part of our rebel mission to disrupt not just gender but the intersecting and interlocking systems of oppression and privilege that exist today. 

So join me, women. Disrupt the system. 

My goal of urging you to disrupt like a lady is to unleash and uncover the power of women's voices and actions and show you the impact it could have when we do. We have to continue the disruption started by my grandmother and my mother; To continue the legacy of work, Angela Davis, RBG, Audre Lorde, Michelle Obama, and so many others. 

And in doing this work, we will rewrite narratives and create a society of choice, freedom, and zero expectations placed on women. We will empower by breaking down systems that actively disempower us. And we will remove the phrase "women should" forever. 

Are you ready to disrupt like a lady with me?